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Funeral things - Journal of Omnifarious

Feb. 17th, 2004

01:10 am - Funeral things

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As I'm going through stuff and unpacking here, I'm coming across things I forgot I had. I came across the funeral program for my grandfather's funeral today. He only died 1.5 years ago or so.

It's odd sometimes how little things like that can bring back the sadness of the time they're from. And odd too how it's easier to feel the sadness now than it was then.

I think, sometimes, my analytical side takes over and masks my feelings even from myself. I've never been one to think that emotions are illogical, and pointless, but I've often used my ability to step back from things and look at them that way as a sort of shield. Things end up buried and processed slowly over long periods of time. I find things to think about that keep me occupied.

I consciously surround myself with hidden small reminders of things that are important to me. I do it precisely so I will come upon them unexpectedly as I did with my grandfather's funeral program today.

I wish I had known my grandfather better. My family's recollection of him is so much more rich than mine. I will do everything I can to avoid letting myself become as disconnected from the world as he was.

Current Mood: [mood icon] melancholy


[User Picture]
Date:February 17th, 2004 03:39 am (UTC)
Yeah it's unhealthy to repress emotions. It could come out in uglier forms.

Btw, I added you on my friends list.
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[User Picture]
Date:February 18th, 2004 05:41 pm (UTC)
My Grandfather passed a few years ago. I have never cried for him when it comes to his death. I cried a tiny bit for myself and my loss, and I cried a LOT for the pain that the people that I loved were feeling. Today I cant cry over it at all. He is released from his pains and his sorrows, and he is reunited with Grandma.

This past Christmas a LJ friend of mine "DOVE" was loosing her grandfather. She wrote a great deal in her journal about it. Through her I relived the loss of my own grandfather.

I was very lonely at the time cause I had no one to spend Christmas with. I have family, but they dont care. I was really down, practically suicidal. Christmas eve I had a visitor while I was sleeping. It was my grandfather. We spent a wonderfull day together and when I woke up, I was no longer hurting and lonely. I guess it was cause I had been thinking about him because of all of Dove's posts.

I never hide my emotions, I cant, I am very strongly empathic and emotions affect me quite a bit. But I do tend to push things that I cant change off to the side a bit. I keep my occupied with other things so that I do not dwell on the things that hurt. But yeah, little things can trigger the memories. Movies, songs, a bird or plant, all kinds of things are triggers. When the memory is triggered, there is an intense sense of loss, but you know, I would not have it any other way. I sit alone and cry for a bit, and everything is better again. I actually intentionally use triggers when I know that I have absorbed too much emotion and need an outlet. You keep your reminders of things, and these are YOUR triggers. As long as you keep them around, keep using them to remind you of things, you will never become disconnected.
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